Octane

There’s a new sheriff in town and I’m aiming to take him down, even if he is kicking and screaming every step of the way. That’s right. The Y has a new machine. It’s called the Octane and I’m totally intrigued.

It looks like an elliptical, but it’s not. Oh no. It is so very much more.

You step on, like an elliptical, and the pedals go around, like an elliptical. But the resemblance ends there. It has all these buttons you can push. I’m the mother of a boy. I know the importance of pushing buttons to see what they do. Some of the buttons are located right on the handles. For coordinated people, that means they can easily make adjustments to the level and stride. For people like me, that adds one more way I can fall off while trying to change songs on my iPod.

First I pushed the buttons to add an arm workout. This meant that ten seconds out of every minute were spent pushing and pulling the arm handles. Sounds easy, right? I could hardly make the handles move, yet I was so sore the next day I could not lift my arms.

Next I pushed the glute buster button. I thought that would turn the arm button off, but no! Fear not! You can work your arms and your glutes, all while having a strenuous cardio workout to boot! It did not seem quite as tough as the arm workout, but I have to tell you, my glutes were pretty sore the next day as well.

Based on the information I had gathered to that point, I decided not to push the button called “Personal Trainer.” I have enough experience working out with Becky to know better than to awaken that beast on my first try. I will save that for another day.

Guess how much time it took the Octane to cause me all this soreness and introspection about how I have been wasting my life so far on minor things like half marathons. Ten minutes. That is all.

Guess how many calories it said I burned. NOT VERY MANY! I think something must be wrong with it. Surely it needs to be adjusted.

Dripping with sweat, I decided I would go get on the regular elliptical, because it is my friend. It doesn’t laugh at me and try to make me cry.

But I will be back.